Updated:
we watch a lot of movies in the winter. almnost every night. lately i have been watching half of the movie before work and then at night when D goes away.
These are some of them ( at least the ones i remember)
. as a reply to someone who feels they are the only one in our group not pregnant.
I SO know how you feel. Believe me you arent the last one trying. Id try til I died, if I could. I just know.. that itll never happen for me and im tired of trying. im tired of getting no where. not even a little pg. ive never seen a :bfp: - most likely never will. its not that im giving up its that ive accepted and i know and have known just didnt want to believe it,.. ive known it wont happen unless i get ivf, or do adoption.
im getting too old. My body is in constant pain it seems, and too much excertion ( such as child care) makes me tired for days on end. I know i am reaching the time in my life when i cannot try anymore. it wouldnt be safe to me or the baby, and would it be worth it to get pregnant and then not be able to care for my child THE WHOLE POINT OF THIS ttc. i sometimes wonder if people ttc lose site of having a child and just want the pregnancy so badly.
i knew one day i would either be pregnant or i would come to this point in my life. when i have to give up.
i hate when people tell me dont give up. but for my own sanity i have to. and if i miss an opportunity to get pregnant bc im on pills then... i guess it wasn't suppose to happen right?
this coming march will be 8 yrs ive tried.
the longest hardest most personal battle ive ever dealt with. i have seen the best in people the worst in people these 8 yrs. I have learnt a lot about me and about my partners. I lost my ex husband over ttc issues. Ive learnt what it is thats important to me and what my morals/values are. ive learnt by watching other people what it is I want out of life.
I have also met some of the greatest people bc of ttc, i have also weeded out the bad people ( thank god) bc of it.
i have learnt to take better care of my health bc of ttc.
So perhaps, by ttc i never did gain what i wanted, but i gained a whole bunch of other things.
You are probably on a roller coaster right now. You want this so bad, but its not happening, and you feel like everyone else is getting what they want :bfp: :bfp: :bfp: :bfp: :bfp: and when is it your turn, and its not fair and why me. why us.
eventually you will find out. you may not get the answers you want (pg and a baby) but you will get what you are meant to have.
Another thing i learnt ([i]sort of- still dealing with this[/i]) is that god doesnt hateyou/me/us, he isnt punishing me, this is the way life is suppose to be. I guess... :? i just hope in my next life i get to have children.
i hope i havent just rambled on and that i make sense to you ;) im not gonna tell you to not feel bad. feeling bad is part of the whole deal. feeling like crap. hating everyone, quitting, bargaining its all part of it.
are you in any other groups where girls arent pregnant? its sometimes really hard to come to this group when i know 95% of everyone else out here is having a child starting some time soon. sometimes we have to go talk to girls who are struggling like us and it helps.
sure the girls here can understand how we feel ( not being able to ttc) but they got over that struggle and they have other feelings now. they've [i]beat the beast[/i]. they will never again be able to go back and feel what we are feeling. for the rest of their lives they will know what its like to have been pregnant, and for some, give birth, and raise a child.
I haven't written anything in over a week. its going on 2 weeks.
little has happened that I can write about- that's not to say nothing has happened, I just cant air it on here. Its embarrassing and its not my place. I have feelings about it but... Sad thing is I cant tell anyone in person about it either, because I have no one to tell it to and D already knows.
Other news, Milo's been hiding and anti-social. I had to block off the laundry room again. Makes it real hard to do laundry that way. I bathed him today with skin shampoo, hopefully it helps.
He's happy, he eats, purrs, meows. I don't think he's sick, he's just... being like me ( as D says).
I've been babysitting and babysitting . 8 days out of the past 10. and I have more hours coming.
Knitting- I finished 1 7 of hearts socks. I love it. Its grey and pink. The hearts don't show up very well but that's ok. I still love them. and they fit. How's that for recycling!
My ears have been hurting the last few days, as well as my back and shoulder.
I have so much to do when I come home from 'work'. even if D does the dishes, which he does on some occasions, I still have the laundry and cooking and personal stuff to do. I've been losing sleep too. which throws everything off kilter. I'm waiting for a cold, or this cold, to kick in BC my body is stressed out. I think the little girl I babysit is sick, which will suck, BC I wont be able to work, and Ill lose on money :-s. which I need.
I am getting some new Barbies, from a freecycle list I belong too. It is from the kittenaide program. I said I would trade some food for them, but legally you aren't allowed to trade. Oh well. The kitties will enjoy it and Ill enjoy what I get. I am wanting to get back into making Barbie 'crap'. I think it came from sorting all of my CDs.
I put all of my CDs- the oldest ones to newest and put them on my hard drive. I then put them all on DVDs. Only 15Gb of patterns!! now I can alphabetically go put the DVD in , and choose a pattern. I have wanted to do this for so long I just never have. I had to use a program called CDChecker in order to read my old CDs, and still some couldn't be read but I figured oh well. I got most of what I wanted (99%). One CD I could not open, and you can actually see through the cd- which may be why it doesn't work- but it has pictures of D and his kids, and shadow and good pictures. I have them saved somewhere else thankfully. just don't know where.
heres a video for you http://www.videorambler.com/2008/11/cutest-kitten-youll-see-today.html. reminds me of Uma at that age.
ive been super busy- not home. and super sad. not depressed but weepy :( like PMS. but I don't have PMS- haven't even ovulated yet :-s.
today I did groceries and crocheted. here's some pics.
camouflage kitty. 
fall is my favourite, for 3 reasons. 1 its so pretty, 2 i can breathe perfectly outside - especially at night in the cold and 3. it means snow ill be here :D
when she's allowed outside she wont come out. 
my crochet hook has a light in it ;) 
im not sure if I like this. its a dishcloth but.. it is all bunched up in the light blue section :-s ill keep it...I think. it'll go in my dinner rag pile.
thats me.
Everything is so difficult. even the measly little things you think should be simple. especially the things that ar eout of my hands- those are the ones that are frustrating me the most. and its not evben that i want to be in control its that i want people on my side, doing their job, the ones they get paid gazillions of dollars to do.
Things such as sending my stupid ct scan to the doctor after it is done. Does it really take 7 days to send pictures over the computer?
Thankfully they sent them some time during the night. BUT the doctor didnt even have time to read them ,and read them when I got there.
News- its not my appendix. bad news, he doesnt know what it is, good news- i dont need surgery.
I guess its time to go back to Dr. V (grumble, frickin great...) and say ok what are you going to do this time. good news- i can go back on the pill and try that. bad news - i have to go to see him.
Other news. American elections are over. Finally. Obama won. Im surprised because of the way society used to be, even 10, 15 yrs ago and now America has elected someone who is not white. maybe its proof that society is moving on. lets hope.
before i start- why do the ads on the side say manic depression???
hmm
today- sunday. watched wizard of oz. realized i know about 90% of the words and music. knit when i came home. started a sock called 7 of Hearts http://omly.blogspot.com/2008/01/pattern-seven-of-hearts.html.
toes and heels are pink the rest if grey. hopefully. if i get anywhere with it that is.
tired. cant wait to sleep in tomorrow. ovary HURTS. right side of course. 3 more days til docs ;)
I am soo tired. last night we went to bed around 3 fell asleep around 4 30 - TV... whoever decided we should have one in the bedroom? anyway's I had to get up at 7 30.
Babysat till 6 PM.
I knit 15 rows of 90 stitches and frogged it. it was going to be a very long sock. not anymore. I then tried to knit another sock and frogged it. THEN all the KAL socks came out today and I thought about making them and decided not too- after I dyed my yarn last week :(
boo.then.. I called GE money to see how much more I owed on my card before I could use it an they said I have to pay the whole thing- EXCEPT my card has been cancelled so I cant use it. Good thing I called because I was going to pay it off ($300) and then use it for Christmas. Now Ill save my money for Christmas , pay the minimum till January and then pay it off.
Walmart- I am almost done. I should have been done last week but things happened. So. Its been two steps ahead, 1 step back the past few days. I have to write about my CT scan. that was an adventure. I get results Wednesday this week.here i am writing this paragraph for the third time. the first time didn't save- the second time.
I have been busy. and unable to use the computer, and more busy.knitting, dishes, laundry, house stuff, going through computer stuff that i dont need. re-fixing my computer, rebuilding d's since his motherboard came back ( and works).
Viking socks are almost done. well ok, 1 sock is almost done. im doing decreases and should have pictures either today or tomorrow.
tomorrow i get my ct scan- woo hoo. i just keep thinking there going to find cancer. i dont know why. i hope they find something- of course not cancer, but its just a fear i have. never had it before.
the red/blue/pink one is my fav. but i really like the purple one too. 
sleepy!this is the infamous cat that bit me last year....
that cat has huge feet btw...
thats my post.
my arm/hand/elbow hurts too much to type more
the kids decided the colours we would do today when we dyed our yarn. they were pretty excited by how it all works out. in goes colour out comes clear water + new yarn.
3 colours. orange, green , and purple ( which has blue insides...this always happens to me)
the bright blue is another one i did at home- its suppose to be that color but you can see the inside of the purple showing the blue.
red shawl - version #2. its going to be a circle when done.
work sunday, dentist monday, thursday ct scan, work, friday work, get paid... ahhh ;)
ah. so its another day. i havent writen in a while. i have nothing dramatic to say ;)
i babysat yesterday. they are good kids. easy work too, since they arent little hellians.
ive been worrying about bills but now i have it under control. i have enough food- thought i had to buy groceries for one more but dont;) i have a wee little bit left on my walmart, and then in november i pay off my 2nd credit card. woo hoo. i guess im jsut anxious to get it done and over with.
my arms hurt today so i dont think there will be any knitting done. bummer. my new circular shawl (thanks uma---) is coming along. im glad its red :D
thats about it.
1 more week til CT scan.
i have an earache from h**l. My left ear just started hurting saturday night, after me and D had been so dead tired all day. I didnt get anything done except groceries. i was suppose to get laundry and the dishes done too in between. oh well. iguess.
and I didnt finish the pillow yet, 12 rows left :D, i worked 1 row of the scarf since thursday, i was going to try my viking sock and i got the pattern out, and the sock out.
i hope today i can get more done. even if its knitting, or reading or, especially not dishes :D hahaha.
Tomorrow can be cleaning day.
No kid(s) this weekend. Mommy decided the oldest could stay home alone- and try it- again.
Im bad. I ordered yarn for the Alice socks. I ordered sage and black. You need 2 distinct colors and well.. i wanted green socks.
nothing else is new
first off, this is why I hate long hair. I never had this problem before... 
i had a knot at the back of my head, on the bottom layer thankfully. It was about 3" up my hair. so its not like i could just cut the ends off. its a massive knot. even now that its cut out i cant get it undone.
Other news - FINALLY got my CT scan date. October 30th. Should be interesting.. I say interesting because i dont trust nurses or doctors ;) something always goes wrong doesnt it. I have a follow up appt on the 5th. Not too bad since i was diagnosed january 2nd, saw a doc sept.25th.....
No other news. Its cold out though.
I've finished 2 projects in the last 24 hours and of course my little brain is thinking hmm what I can do next. its not thinking wow maybe I should keep finishing stuff...
I have a pillow I may finish next, but I want to do a nascar blanket. checker black and white with the different numbers on it, made from dishcloths. not cotton though - like dishcloths. I have enough black I could do the whole blanket in black but I don't think it'll work.
I finished my green socks- love the heels still. I finished Cole's sock too. yeah ;0 finally. I made his socks BC they can help him walk, they have glow in the dark bottoms. I also made them because there quick. yeah... I started in September some time :-p how quick is that. In reality it should have taken me 2 or 3 days at the most. 1 day if I'm lucky. oh well.
I am so far behind the 52 pair deadline. I should have at least 20 done by now and I have 9, if you include the 3 machine socks.
I'll post pictures of them all.
Breeze socks
Coles Socks
these are more red in real life, but since its raning out and my lighting is crap.. this is what you get. the bottoms glow in the dark
machine sock #1
machine sock #2
machine sock #3
these are actually this red.
pillow 50% done ( the back)
red is horrible to take pictures of, but I think Uma likes the pillow. This is the back of it. done :D 48 x 48 stitches on 10mm needles. 2 strands of red heart yarn. Almost 2 complete balls. 1 more row would have used it up I think. Ill have to weigh this to find out
scarf- about 60% done
today was a productive day. I got lots done finally!
I paid off 75% of my Wal-mart card today! yippee...
I think I might finish my breeze sock. Im just starting the toe now on sock #2. This was a sock I was suppose to finish in July (oops!). I may also finish Cole's sock. I have 1.5 done.
We made Milo a house today from the furnace box. Im trying to finish laundry- that's never ending. neither are the dishes. Its like ok you finish the laundry but by the time 4 or 5 loads are done, there are new clothes to be washed, new towels... Dishes, you have to wash the dishes in order to make supper and dirty more dishes.
I really need to finish my braille. Hopefully once I get these 2 socks done. I can sit down for an hour or two get it done, and mail it.
I do need to organize the boxes I left packed. There falling all over the place. Uma climbed on them, and they fell and she started to sleep under some- not good. with our luck , the boxes will fall on her and smoosh her and we wont be able to find her for a week.
Ill add pictures later.
ive been thinking the last 2 days. i think im going to see my do and ask for yas.
WHAT? yup. i need a break from pain, and my stupid hormones and all of it. my hormones are so wacked out- i can tell- and maybe if i try the pill again they'll be regulated by a fake way, but at least regulated.
Im just worried about depression, and suicide.
http://www.yas.co.za/index.asp thats one site.
ive sen this one on tv. its suppose to help skin, and pms, and pain and all the bad stuff i have. ther ebe 0% chance of pregnancy but isnt there now?
i dunno. i also have to go to the docs and ask for it, thats another thing i dont wanna do.
decisions,
decisions
http://www.yaz-us.com/home.jsp this is the us site
heres some pmdd ( premenstrual disorder) symptoms http://www.yaz-us.com/front?cref=70
arent these normal psm stuff :-p --- only if your me right... i have about 10 of these but i also have pain pain pain. and cry cry cry
i think umas in heat ;) yeah... she hasnt been in soo long. since july?
shes a freak whatever shes doing.
I havent been doing much. Fixing Vista computers, babysitting ( my new job- yeah for me).
Cooking, cleaning, sleeping.
Np ain in about 2 weeks- except a headache, but i can feel my ovary pain coming on.
No news on the CT scan- no other doc news. had my blood test done.
i am half done paying off my walmart card as of tomorrow!! yippee.. I plan to pay that off, then start paying off my other 2 cards. ugh.. the one is only $300 and if my walmart card is paid off i can put 2 payments on the 300 and pay it off faster. yippee.. itll be so nice to have just one credit bill.. if i dont use the walmart for christmas.
anyways-- just thought id write. no news is good news right?
full moon this weekend
equals 
